


we all have some sort of drug

by davidobrik



Category: david dobrik - Fandom, vlog squad
Genre: Anxiety, David Dobrik Needs A Hug, Depression, Drug Use, Gen, Mental Ilness, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of drugs, Overdose, Pills, Stressed David Dobrik, Suicidal Tendencies, Xan - Freeform, trigger warning, vlog squad - Freeform, xanny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25704871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davidobrik/pseuds/davidobrik
Summary: David uses certain things to get through the days but it all catches up
Kudos: 26





	we all have some sort of drug

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it’s been a hot minute. Been busy, school being online doesn’t help. Corona neither, or taking care of my nan. But I’m still writing and venting through writing, so heres a sneak peak of the new fic!!

Another day, another Xanax. 

David popped his first xanax of the day, downing it with a random water he found in his bed, the liquid coating his dry and raspy throat in relief. His body greeted the drink happily, the cracked look of his pink lips fading with each drink he took. He couldn’t be bothered to find his chapstick that was probably lying beneath one of his piles of clothes, instead he used his tongue to paint them in saliva. 

The same black bland shirt he had first put on roughly 4 days ago hugged his figure as he snatched up a hoodie that he found strewn across his nightstand without care and slowly guided it over his head and through his arms, not even pulling the bottom of the heavy fabric all the way down. He scanned the room and his eyes landed on a pair of shorts he had worn about a week prior, he didn’t think twice about it like he used too and ignored his inner past self pleading for him to scour his closet for something clean instead. But without a second thought and with soft steps he made his way into his bathroom, admiring the peace that somehow existed around him, Natalie’s usual scrutiny’s about his laziness and slobby self nowhere to be found and in turn he listened in on the birds outside which chirped away happily.

His reflection was hard to look at and he now realized why his friends and roommates' eyes lingered longer on him. If it wasn’t for his scruffy beard and eyes bags that seemed to droop lower than they ever had he’s sure no one would even bother to ask what was going on in his head mentally. His hair had also grown past his ears, and although Natalie had insisted she could give him a trim he refused saying he was trying a new hair style but in fact he was adapting a new mental lifestyle that taught him hygiene wasn’t as important as it used to be.

David exhaled through his mouth, his nose picking up on the rotten smell of his breath and he chuckled harshly, grabbing for his toothbrush and applying a small amount of toothpaste, not even wettening his brush he stuck the bristles in his mouth and attempted his best effort of what he called “brushing his teeth” nowadays, which consisted of irregular periods where he would decide that he should take care of the building plaque and foul odor that his mouth produced.

With the small and unhurried strokes of his toothbrush he set it back in its unkempt place without cleaning it and spat what little bit of minty residue was left into the sink. He turned the faucet on, resting his elbows on the sink as he watched the bloodied spit spin around and fall down the drain. He leaned his head into the sink and opened his mouth for only 5 seconds, the gentle and cool water washed away what was left of the toothpaste in his mouth and he pulled away, resting his head on his right arm, eyes watching the water fall flawlessly. 

“Why am I here,” he said aloud, his eyes closing shut as his left hand reached towards the handle and turned the sink off. Once again, silence, not even the birds made a noise. It was just him and his thoughts.

He pushed himself off the basin, his arms stiff and legs lagging behind as he made his way out into the living room. No one was around. No Ilya, no Natalie, no Jason. It was just David and he didn’t know how to feel about that, more so he didn’t know how to feel at all and he was fine with that. Or so he thought. 

He trudged out into the backyard, the sun beaming high overhead and from that David assumed it was around noon. The breeze tussled through his locks and stung his eyes, tears brimmed but he did nothing to get rid of them, instead he trotted over to the glass railing that was separating him from the ledge. His arms settled on the tops, and he reached his head out like a giraffe and peered down at the hill that looked right back at him, taunting him to jump in a manner that David considered and immediately shot down. The ache in his stomach reminded him to eat but he didn’t give in to his body’s reflexes, backing away from the dangerously tempting jump he turned to go back inside. 

His mind was blank and somehow his aching stomach no longer cried out in demands and now was at a rest David recognized as a shallow slate that mirrored his head. If he could describe how he was feeling it would be how a sims character portrayed “fine”. He was just fine. Not happy, not sad. Just fine.

With heavy steps he stopped at the slider door, his eyes trailing to Natalie’s form that busied herself in the kitchen, working away at some kind of food she found in the fridge. His gaze only lasted a couple more seconds before he plopped himself onto the couch, curling into the white blanket that had already been there. 

If this was a mental breakdown he didn’t notice too well, aside from the few extra pills he had to swallow, he’d say it was much calmer than his last, then again he couldn’t feel it like he could feel the last one. He could feel the intense anxiety swelling within his chest though and the tears pricking at his eyes asking to be let out. Otherwise nothing, and it scared him that he felt nothing, that all he had was the terrifying thoughts that persisted on encouraging him to end it or leave somehow. 

Like a bottle David felt the water at the top overfilling and yet the pills helped to catch the surplus like a gutter, just barely keeping the bottle at an “okay” level. 

“You have a presentation with college kids in an hour Dave,” Natalie’s soft voice appeared across from his earshot and he broke away from his zoned out thoughts. A soft gaze settled over his pupils and the dialated black orbs met small brown ones. He didn’t say anything, she didn’t expect him to anyway, this was just her pushing him forwards.

“I, I can’t do it Nat,” his raspy voice broke out, his tone stayed relatively even and he was glad that there was at least one pro to the xan’s. She looked away from her bowl of fruits and gave him a nasty scowl, “C’mon David, we don’t have time to play around. I have the laptop set up in the office and you’ve got 45 minutes to be ready.” 

Tears broke out of their wall, the surplus reached it’s turning point and the jagged rise of his chest revealed to him that he was having some sort of anxiety attack that was subdued from the drugs and kept it from being expressed. It hurt. Not physically but he felt the mental tolls that racked his body as his shaking hands came up to his face to cover his eyes. 

“Ilya!” He heard everything so clearly, and he could feel everything well, too well. He brought his knees up to his chest as a reaction, hoping to settle the nauseated pit in his abdomen that felt rigid in a way. 

“What the fuck am I doing,” a whisper left his mouth, but he’s sure it was much louder than just a whisper. 

Hands racked his body, rough calloused ones and a familiar masculine voice commanded him to relax but it didn’t help, instead he curled even further into himself, tensing his body. 

Then a fire broke out within his head, it spread to every muscle possibly every fiber of his being and for a moment he did feel fear, the kind of fear where you’re scared because you know what’s happening but at the same time you still don’t know what’s going to happen. 

Then it was black, his eyes closed and all he knew was when he woke up it was not going to be good.

ii to be continued/finished


End file.
